28 Signs Of A Domestically Violent African-American Male
by Khadija Nassif on April 12th, 2010
MANY BLACK WOMEN TREAT PROBABLE BLACK MALE PREDATORS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE
When watching online interactions, I’m often mystified by watching women repeatedly try to dialogue with Internet Ike Turners™ (a descriptive and handy phrase coined by Gina, blog host of What About Our Daughters) as if they are normal men. I often have to remind myself that other women haven’t had the mass exposure to abusive men that I’ve had while defending them in the court system. Women aren’t catching the warning signals these men are giving off because they don’t recognize them. I worry that women are most likely carrying over this same behavior into their offline lives.
MOST DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT AFRICAN-AMERICAN MALES ARE NOT SUBTLE IN THEIR HATRED OF WOMEN
Over the years, I’ve represented hundreds of domestically violent men. [Like many law firms, my firm cynically knows that it sometimes helps to assign women attorneys to defend accused male defendants in domestic battery and rape cases. It can sometimes help these men look somewhat less menacing to jurors.] Unlike wife beaters from other ethnic groups, most of the domestically violent African-American men that I’ve represented are not subtle. They’re not Dr. Jeckylls who suddenly transform into monstrous Mr. Hydes. Most of the African-American male woman beaters that I’ve defended are transparent in their hatred of women. They couldn’t hide their deep hatred of women if they wanted to. Their everyday conversation is enough to give “Stay Away” warning signals to any sensible woman who recognizes these signals, and who’s even halfway paying attention.
MANY BLACK WOMEN IGNORE VIOLENT MALE PREDATOR WARNING SIGNALS
But I see that so many African-American women either don’t recognize these signals, or have trained themselves to overlook them. They continue to interact with these men as if they’re normal people. When women have unnecessary interactions with these males as if they are normal people, they are supporting these men’s statements and behavior. When you try to dialogue with these men as if they’re normal, you are helping to normalize their twisted viewpoints. You’re validating them even when you call yourself disagreeing with them. To even discuss their rantings with them gives them the message that their rantings are worthy of discussion.
Some viewpoints are so far removed from human decency that there is no dialogue to be had about them. Would you debate and dialogue with a child molester about why he feels it’s appropriate to molest children? No, because there’s nothing to discuss about that issue except how to more quickly apprehend such creatures. Well, the same principle applies to abusive males.
DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT MALES INTERVIEW AND “SCREEN” PROSPECTIVE FEMALE VICTIMS
The other thing that I’ve noticed about the domestically violent males I’ve represented is that they are not brave. They generally won’t attack some random, unknown woman. Nor do they attack a woman who has made it clear by her behavior that she would never put up with any of that. The physical, legal, and career risks of attacking such women are too high. Domestically violent men are not trying to end up with boiling water poured on their heads while they sleep. Or a bullet being put in their brains. Or their employment and career prospects destroyed because of a woman seeing their prosecution all the way through. Or some other unpredictable negative reaction from a woman who won’t tolerate abuse.
Before he beats a woman, this type of male tries to confirm that he’s not dealing with the type of woman that might put a bullet in his brain, or pour boiling water on his head while he’s sleeping. They “interview” and test the women they interact with to see how much abuse a particular woman will tolerate. They do this by gradually escalating their controlling and disrespectful behavior. They start with “small,” verbally abusive behaviors and escalate upwards. When you continue to interact with them, you are giving them permission to escalate to the next level of attack. You place yourself in the “Safe to Abuse” category of women for these males when you continue reacting to them as if they’re normal people.
My abusive male clients don’t mistreat every woman they are involved with. They abuse the women who let them abuse them. They abuse the women who continue through the abuse-interview-process.
This is why it is so critical for women to drop and stop interacting with a man at the first hint of controlling, disrespectful behavior. If you keep dealing with him after he’s “shown out,” you have (in his mind) given him permission to continue and escalate that behavior. Once you’ve stuck with him that far through the process, then you really will need a gun and the aid of a SWAT team to get away from him.
But African-American women are often raised (and train themselves) to be naïve when it comes to Black male predators. Black women don’t want to seem rude, or be “unfair,” and various other naïve concerns that take precedence over safety.
[Domestically violent males aren’t the only male predators that "interview" prospective prey. I've noticed a similar interview pattern with female clients who have allowed their boyfriends to molest their children. They typically hook up with a series of men who are pedophiles. The pedophiles do a similar "screening" and "interview" process to find women with children who will NOT protect their children from molestation. The harsh reality is that there's a fairly large pool of women who are more invested into holding onto a relationship than their own children's safety.]
NUANCES ASIDE, THE “MAINSTREAM” OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INVOLVES MALE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN WHICH RESULTS IN INJURIES, MAIMINGS AND DEATHS
There are nuances to the issue of domestic violence. An unflattering truth about many of these situations is that I’ve watched many women use allegations of domestic violence (as well as sexual abuse of the children) as “cards” to play during divorce and child support proceedings.
I’ve also watched many genuinely battered and abused women (some of whom were my clients) play games with the Orders of Protection that they get. They call the police to enforce the Order, and have the abusive man arrested, when they’re angry with the abusive man for a reason other than the abuse (cheating, and so on). And then they invite the abusive man back into their home (in violation of the protective order) when they’re feeling lovey-dovey again.
Seeing all of this at work has made me leery of trying to help such women. Truth be told, they have hardened my heart about this issue.
However, none of this negates the reality that the “mainstream” of domestic violence consists of male violence against women which results in injuries, maimings, and fatalities. The vast majority of seriously injured, maimed, and murdered domestic violence victims are women who were killed by men. Also, most physically mature males are physically much stronger than most physically mature females. So, with rare exceptions, there’s no real physical danger to a man in any weaponless confrontation with the vast majority of women. The man is physically stronger and can get away from most women. Women with the kick-buttocks physical abilities of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” are rare, indeed.
Whatever nuances exist don’t erase the above realities. I’ve also noticed that those Black folks who love to fixate on nuances (Black men who are often woman-beaters themselves, and the Black-male identified Black women who support woman beating) always somehow avoid focusing on other nuances: Such as domestic violence between gay and lesbian partners, domestic violence with elder abuse, and so on. The only nuance they care about is the one that would help deflect responsibility away from violent, woman-beating, woman-maiming, woman-killing males.
In short, a man who makes a (false) equivalence between the prevalence of male domestic violence against women and things like false accusations against men, or female violence against men is probably a woman-beater himself. These sorts of statements and attitudes are warning signals of a domestically violent male.
A QUICK CHECKLIST OF SOME STATEMENTS AND ATTITUDES PREVALENT AMONG DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT AFRICAN-AMERICAN MALES
So, here’s a quick checklist of the typical statements and attitudes expressed by domestically violent African-American males. This checklist is not meant to be exhaustive, but it represents the “highlights” of the mindset that I’ve heard expressed by most of the domestically violent African-American men that I’ve represented. Some of these statements and attitudes are common among domestically violent men among all races and ethnic groups. Some of them are culturally specific to domestically violent African-American males. [For one example, non-African-American men don’t whine about what men outside their ethnic group won’t "let" them do.]
Some of the following statements and attitudes are more immediately dangerous than others. Some of these statements—by themselves—are highly indicative of a man who beats women. The more of these statements you hear from an African-American male, the more likely it is that he’s somebody who, if given the opportunity, would physically beat you into the ground:
(1) He speaks favorably of “controlling” women. Incidentally, for a man to use openly the phrase of “controlling” women is a very bad signal. Most abusive men that I’ve observed try to soften the language they use to describe abusive behavior toward women.
(2) He speaks favorably—without any real points of repudiation—about groups and cultures that are brutally oppressive to women such as the Taliban, Saudi Arabia, and what he claims are “traditional” African cultures. This is a very bad signal.
[For an example of this, at least in reference to the Taliban, see the comments of an individual calling himself "Visitor" during this recent conversation at What About Our Daughters. *Note: I'm not in any way saying that "Visitor" is a woman-beater. I have no idea what "Visitor" does or does not do in his life. However, several of his statements are useful examples of the warning-signal statements and attitudes on this checklist.
What I found fascinating was that so many women kept talking to this "Visitor" individual as if he was a legitimate conversation participant. Even after his opening comment consisted of deliberately mischaracterizing the message and mission of that particular blog. Multiple women readers kept interacting with this "Visitor" individual. Instead of letting the blog host and another man (Blk SeaGoat) who participated in the conversation deal with him.
Let me also note that it is NOT my intention to try to control or embarass anybody about that incident. People are perfectly free to do whatever they want, and interact with whomever they wish. I apologize in advance for any discomfort I'm inadvertently causing other women by mentioning this particular incident (that motivated me to write this post).
I debated whether to write this post. Ultimately, my concern that women are probably doing this same behavior in real life (at their own risk) outweighed my worries about inadvertently causing discomfort. Through NO fault of their own, many women simply don't know these warning signs. I'm hoping to spread awareness about them, so that fewer women get hurt. And it's best to use concrete examples. The "Visitor" individual's statements provided a good example.]
(3) He is angry about any conversation that does not tie into him, his interests, or African-American males’ interests in general.
(4) He opposes anything you want to do that doesn’t somehow involve him.
(5) With him, you have to “make a case” as to why you should care about any issue that’s affecting you (or other Black women and girls).
(6) He sulks when you mention anything favorable about Black women and girls.
(7) He blames women for his own behavior.
(8) He blames women for men’s behavior in general.
(9) He rewrites history (personal and collective) to make other people (Black women, White men) responsible for his (and other African-American males’) behavior.
(10) He says, “Women won’t let men be men.”
(11) He says women won’t “let” him be a man.
(12) He says, “Women won’t let men be gentlemen.”
(13) He says women won’t “let” him be a gentleman.
(14) He says, “I’m a grown-a** man.” [Thanks to Victor for reminding me of this tell-tale dysfunctional phrase during a conversation at the previous blog.]
(15) No matter what he does to women, he feels that his behavior is justified.
(16) He makes a (false) equivalence between the prevalence of male domestic violence and rape against women and things like false accusations against men, or female violence against men. This is another very bad signal.
(17) He feeds off African-American women’s suffering.
(18) He finds the public denigration of Black women to be funny and harmless humor. He feels that anyone who doesn’t like this is humorless and taking things too seriously.
(19) While sometimes claiming to want to help, he takes pleasure in seeing African-American women suffering. Whatever the type of suffering, he can find a reason why the afflicted Black woman “deserves” it.
(20) While sometimes claiming to want to help, he eagerly presents many “reasons” why suffering is a fitting lifestyle for African-American women.
(21) He feels that he and other men are entitled to assess and critique women’s behavior, but women cannot assess or critique his or other men’s behavior.
(22) He demands that you buy into his version of reality.
(23) He denies your experiences, and tells you that you didn’t hear what you heard or see what you saw.
(24) He’ll use (invented, skewed) statistics to deny your experiences.
(25) He characterizes everything you say as emotional, and everything he says as logical and rational.
(26) He’s uninterested in, and incurious about, anyone’s life experience that does not validate his experiences.
(27) He describes many of the women that he has had relationships with as mentally unbalanced. [It somehow never occurs to him that if this is true, then it reflects poorly on him. If this is true, either he’s deliberately selecting mentally ill women; or mentally ill women are the only women who will deal with him.]
(28) There is no emotional wound of yours (and of other African-American women and girls) that he won’t rip open. Either to score a debate point. Or for pleasure.
THIS LIST IS NOT MEANT TO BE EXHAUSTIVE
This list isn’t meant to be exhaustive. My point is that when you hear a man make several of these sorts of statements, that’s a man that you need to stop interacting with. That’s a man that you need to get away from. Quickly. Normal, nonviolent, loving, and lovable men generally don’t say these sorts of statements, because they don’t hold this cluster of beliefs and attitudes.
http://sojournerspassport.com/28-signs-of-a-domestically-violent-african-american-male/
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